Karsen had his evaluation today with his team of home educators. They have them every six months to go over the past goals, weather or not he's reached them, and set up new goals for the next six months. He met a little over half of the goals we had made 6 months ago. He's not doing as good as hoped as far as eating and feeding himself, holding a drink, that sort of thing. Some of the goals from last 6 months got pushed into the next 6 months. When I told his "team" that I hold on to the fact that each cp kid moves at their own pace, and Karsen's cognitive is still in tact, one of them told me "if you ever need counseling, we have that available for you" I couldn't help but start crying. Am I that much of a mess that I need counseling? Not that there is anything wrong with it, it's great and I think it's amazing they offer that. But am I throwing off some vibe telling you I don't have it together? That I'm having a hard time? That I'm struggling? That I feel like I'm not enough? I know God will never give me anything I can't handle, but sometimes I wish he didn't think I was so strong. As I broke down into tears, in front of everyone, I immediately felt inadequate. I felt like I'm not pushing Karsen enough in certain areas, am I not massaging him enough, am I not stretching him enough, am I not spending enough time with Karter? Am I not spending enough time playing with both my boys together? am I not enough? I shouldn't be falling apart like this. I should have it all together by now. I should have the mom of a special needs child and mom of a 3 year old down. But the fact is I don't. and the simple truth is there is no harm in admitting that. I'm am flawed and imperfect. As I sit here typing this right, I still am crying. Am I enough? Yes, I am. It's that simple. God chose me to take care of his precious children. I am it, there is no mistake. Some days will be harder than others, some days will be a breeze and some days incredible difficult. I've been telling myself one day at a time. But today I need to tell my self one hour at a time. So, weather you're a mom of a special needs child or just a mom of crazy children like my three year old, remember you were chosen to be your child's mom. There was no fluke, no chance, it was purposeful. You are enough. You will always be enough.
I know exactly how you feel Jaimie and I know it sucks but know that you are amazing and having a child with any disability is devastating to us moms. There are times when I get into a phase where all I can focus on is not being a good enough mom for Callie but at the end of the day I am. I know there are areas where I could improve but there is really only so much we can do. I still can't accept people telling me Im a good mom and its a huge flaw. You know your child more than anyone. Every time I hold my head up high and actually feel like a good mom we have a set back of a devastating 6 month review or I have someone tell me I am in denial. So over time I feel like I am just in this funk of feeling crappy about myself. Even though his team works with other kids with CP, you know CP to an extent that they will never be able to reach. I would take the therapy comment the same way, but you cant let it get to you or hold you back. You have a beautiful little boy and you are a truly remarkable wonderful mom.
ReplyDeleteYou are SO right! I didn't even think about it that way. So simple yet I seem to look over the small fact that I know my sons cp better than anyone else. It was no chance us meeting each other. I'm already so grateful for your friendship. You too are one strong mama, and I'm sure you inspire so many others to be better moms and hold their head up high as well. Thanks friend ;) I needed that.
ReplyDeleteOh Jaimie....YOU ARE SO MUCH MORE THAN ENOUGH! Sometimes (a lot of the time) the "pros" get so hyper focused on what their protocols tell them, what statistics show, what the books say...that they forget about the wonderful uniqueness of each and every human being. Moms cry, get emotional, wonder if they are doing "it" right. That's just a very simple fact of life. It is not a sign of depression, denial, or any other myriad of issues those responses could signify. And sometimes those things are present....but I think more often then not, if a mama can hear "it's a rough day, but you are doing a great job and tomorrow will be better" they can continue on and be just fine. You have been mothering for a whopping grand total of 3 years! Look at all you have learned in those 3 years. Look at how your heart has opened up, you have learned about humility, faith, trust, your own limitations, and what miracles look like when they are up close and personal. Be gentle with yourself. We are all always learning...even the pros! Love you honey. You are doing an exceptionally superb job with your boys and your life in general. And YES!!! A resounding YES!!!! God picked you!
ReplyDeleteYou really know how to do it don't you? Just when I thought I was done crying today... lol Thank you thank you thank you. I thank God for bringing people like you in my life. I hope you know how encouraging you are, how amazing you are. You one amazing woman! and Yes, He did pick me, and I couldn't be more blessed. ;-)
DeleteOh this was amazing, I can relate to your words about being enough. Love you!
ReplyDeleteCounseling. People think of it as such a dirty word, but the truth is EVERYONE needs it. In fact, if everyone went to counseling, can you imagine how much nicer and well adjusted the world's population would be? Hang in there. Take the counseling. It doesn't hurt, quite the opposite. Because in all of the labels you have defined yourself by you forgot that you are Jaimie. You are an independent being aside from the labels of mother, wife and a special needs parent. You have to feed your own soul--nourish your mind and spirit. Know that you are loved, and you are damn strong, a force to be reckoned with.I love you sissy!
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