Every time someone starts talking about Valentines day I can't help but cringe. Not only do I not like the holiday one bit, but it also marks the two year anniversary that we were brought very tough news about our child. If you haven't followed my blog since the start you can read about that day here.
A roller coaster of emotions has been going on through my head the past few days. It's interesting, because before I even realized it was almost upon us (just like last year) I started feeling a little off, a little blue. Don't get me wrong, I am beyond blessed, so grateful for how far Karsen has come and where he has brought our family. But in the same breath, it still hurts to think of that day, when we still wanted to believe there wasn't anything wrong and we were over reacting. Oh how I wish that day would have had better news. But it didn't. And that's ok. We are living one day at a time here, sometimes one hour. We have our great days and our bad days just as any other family out there.
I still have feelings of regret. Wishing I had cherished every moment of Karsen's infancy, every hour of his baby cuteness. It was so hard, so challenging I rarely enjoyed much of it. It was hard to see the light, hard to see when it would get easier. I remember when Karsen was 14 months old and how I was begging for him to just sleep through the night. I was so sick of getting up for 14 months straight, to nurse him every 2 hours. I'm not joking here people, it was literally that way. Imagine having an inconsolable newborn for 14 months. I was DONE, I didn't understand this "connection" that breastfeeding women talked about, I just felt like a dairy cow. But here I am well over a year later, sad. I miss it. I wish I could have embraced it more, but that sad truth is, I didn't. It is what it is.
Having those feelings of regret aren't necessarily a bad thing for me. Every time I feel that way, it makes me realize how I don't want to feel that way about this stage. Yes, I want Karsen to talk, yes I want things to not be so hard. But now I can see the light. Things are getting easier, or maybe we have just learned to adapt better, whatever the case it comes easier for us. So, while regret may not be a good thing to feel it does remind me to enjoy the moment.
Yes, it's been two years, and I can't believe it. That means my baby is going to be three this summer, what?! So much has happened. We've lived through the diagnosis, the set up of therapists, the battle of seizures, firing therapist, finding new therapists, referrals, botox injections, AFO fittings, hand splint fittings, this list could just go on and on. We're doing great, we really are.
However, with Valentines day still comes the feeling of mourning. The sadness that my child will never have full function of his hand, the constant fear that seizures may come back, the pain I feel when things are so much harder for him, the clumsiness that comes with his poor motor skills, his never ending battle with his rash from drool. It is so hard to see your child in pain, and so hard to see them struggle. It hurts deep down. I wish I could make things different for him but I just can't. I've accepted it, we've moved on, and I do my damn best to make sure he is happy and loved. So while we've had some huge accomplishments in these past two years, Valentines day will forever come with a sting of pain for me. Tread lightly around me friends, it's not an easy day.
