Frustrated with the medical system

Who doesn't get frustrated with the medical system?! Today, I have flat out had it. I may be really good at being a squeaky wheel, but that doesn't mean I like to do it all the time.

We have been trying since April, APRIL people, to get Karsen a behavioral assessment through alta regional. There is no one in our area that does them that our insurance will pay for outside of alta. So, we've been going through the process of getting him back in the system. Come to find out, he shouldn't have been discharged in the first place, this would have only take a few short weeks if we didn't. But whatever, what's done is done... I'm not bitter or anything..... I heard from the alta intake worker mid September to get things going so Karsen could receive his assessment and also evaluate him to get him back into the system. Since then, I have called her three times, as well as emailing her a handful of times, to see where we were at in the process. Basically to be a squeaky wheel. I heard nothing back. Finally today I got an email back from her stating she had sent out papers for me to sign and return on September 15th. Weird... because I NEVER GOT THEM! (I hope you guys can hear the irritation/sarcasm in my words). She finally emailed me the papers and asked me to sign them and email them back to her, I have no clue why she didn't do that in the first place. All of these months we could have had help by now, we could have gotten Karsen a behavioral specialist. I've been begging for one and complaining to anyone that will listen about how hard his behavior has been and how we need help. I'm just mad. So mad you guys. I'm mad for the moms out there, going through the same behavioral stuff and not getting any help, feeling on the verge of a break down. I'm not exaggerating. I have a great support system, they are the reason I haven't completely lost my mind, haven't checked out and decided I didn't want to do this anymore. What are those parents out there, with out any support system, suppose to do while you drag your feet and wait for us to squeak?! Why on earth does it take someone three phones calls, over 4 emails just to find out the paper work process hasn't even started. When a parent comes into a medical professionals office and says "I need help, my childs behavior has gotten really bad. It's put a ton of stress on me as well as my family." since when do you think it would be a good idea to put them through months long of a process to even receive any help?! I am more than happy to be Karsen's advocate, make sure he gets everything he needs, as well as done in a timely matter. But for once, When I say I need help, I NEED HELP PEOPLE! Praying this process will pick up soon and we can get the ball rolling faster.

We've had a lot going on lately. I'm meeting with Karsen's speech therapist on Monday to request more speech. I know we will have to do a formal IEP at some point, we are just meeting to go over the options. In two weeks, I'm meeting with our case worker to go see what options are available for Karsen next year, for school that is. I have no clue what other options there are besides TK or Kinder (with an aide of course.).

Karsen has started to take off with his device. He asks frequently to see Aubrey and constantly says "I want to tickle." We've seen a slight improvement on his speech as well. He's starting to say EEE and AHH and MMM on command. Oh is really hard for him. It's a slow, long road for him, hence why I am requesting more speech.

We've got lots of things to push forward and lots to keep me busy. Life is good, I'm blessed to be home with my boys and able to have the time to devote to this stuff. God is good y'all.

Bit of change

I have great news, we are now in a financial situation where I can stay home with the boys. This will be the first full week, post vacation, that I will get to enjoy every moment of being home with my boys are really working on things with Karsen. I'm now able to shift my focus on to what is more important at the moment. I love doing hair but for now, my place is at home with my boys. To be honest I'm a little scared. I'm a social butterfly and a people person, I fear Bing home with the boys full time, might put me in a funk here or there. I'm going to be making a conscious effort on planning stuff with my friends as well.

Other than me staying home, not much ash changed. We just got back from Montana and I fear I left half my heart there. It's so beautiful there. The boys played outside 90% of the time. The weather was perfect and there was a full crew of boys (6 kids, two adults). I'm making it a point to include that slower pace life that we temporarily lived out there for a few short days. I had such joy in slowing down to watch my boys play outside, to ease drop and hear Karter's conversations with out him knowing I was listening, and enjoying the beauty of our world. 

I came home really feeling like we need to look for a new home. I love our house, but we have out grown it, and Karsen has very little flat accessible areas he can play. Kuper and I are thinking in the spring we will list. Finding the new house is going to be the real challenge. We want a bigger house than we are in now, which won't be hard since our house is tiny, but single story (no stairs or weird step ups), a detached garage (Kuper desperately needs a detached one), flat usable property, preferably more than two or three acres. That may not seem like much but you add the need for flat usable property, you bumped up the cost by $100k maybe more. Praying the right house will come in the right timing. 

We are STILL waiting on a behavioral assessment for Karsen. It's been since April when our referral went through to Alta. I'm beyond irritated sinc we should have never been discharged in the first place. Tomorrow is a new day and a Monday, which means I get to do what I do best, squeak away. 

School and Communicating

We have finally gotten down our new routine. Five days a week of school for both kid, at two different schools has made me feel like a taxi driver but it's all going really well.karsen LOVES his new school. Not once has he cried when I drop him off, that's a first for him, and he actually cries when we have to leave when I pick him up, go figure. Ha. With the start of school, we had to have another IEP to get his communicative device added to it so he could start working on his AAC at school. We've gotten he ball really rolling. Karsen has taken off with it, we have fewer freak outs, though they still happen often. I can tell he is happy we can understand him better,maven if I have to tell him no to ice cream for breakfast and lunch, the fact that I respond to him with the reason why he can't have ice cream at that moment, you can tell he is a lot happier. He's starting to navigate beautifully through his ap. from two pages to different folders. It's quite amazing. We are still working on him communicating verbally, I am not giving up on him, but this is alleviating a lot of frustration on both sides. 

We seem to have lost yet another pair of glasses, I'm hoping they show up soon, I really don't want to fork out money for another pair. 

Things have been moving along pretty smoothly in the Williamson house. The break that Karter and Karsen have had from each other has been really good for both of them, they fight less and seem to play together more.  Don't get me wrong we still have lots of challenges but we are pulling through.

Busy but blessed. 

Celebration with a twinge of sadness

I haven't blogged in a while, we've been busy and I haven't had any major news to report. We are working on getting Karsen more support, which requires a lot of paper work and a lot of me being a squeaky wheel. Recently, I looked back at old videos of Karsen where he was saying "mama" and "baby" clear as day. It was over three years ago and through all of the appointments, injuries, ER trips, IEP's, therapies, EEG's, well... life as a special needs mom, I forgot there was ever a point where he was talking. It's raising a bit of a red flag. He's loosing skills, he only says one single word. It's something that needs to be brought up to his neurologist, I want answers, I need answers. We are also working on getting his insurance to supply a full time device for at home so he can effectively communicate at all times. Typically, the district will supply one but only during school hours, which is only 2.5 hours a day. That's not OK with us. That's where my handy squeaking comes in. We are also trying to get to the bottom of why we were ever discharged from alta when Karsen was three. (Alta is a non profit company through the state that supplies services for children with disabilities age three and up) We haven't really needed them so I haven't pushed to find out, but now that we are needing more support, more services they are the ones that should be helping.

Karsen's birthday is tomorrow, tomorrow people! This is his last day as a three year old. It's different this year. It's different having Karsen turn four. It hurts a little. Don't get me wrong, it's exciting for him to have a birthday, to be growing and enjoying the typical birthday traditions. There's this other side of his birthday. There's always been this gap, the gap of where typical peers are at and where Karsen is at. Each year that gap gets a little bigger and a little bigger. It's become very clear that he is not on the same page as other four year olds. Typical birthday parties are not a thing I am able to do for Karsen, large groups can overwhelm him, he doesn't like people singing to him, he doesn't understand what a birthday is or that he is turning another year older. As much as I can hold it together and always be real with myself about Karsen's struggles, it doesn't make these things any less painful. And with each birthday I wonder, at what year will people no longer find him "cute". He will always be cute, sweet, and snuggly to me, but at what point will other people look at him in a total different way? I can already see people making the gross face when Karsen drools, I already see kids point. I've witnessed people taking their kids over to another play structure because Karsen was there, believe it or not. The world is not all butterflies and daisies. I'd love to stay in bubble of peace and acceptance but sadly not everyone is in that same place. In the same breath, we've been touched my many people in our lives. Some have been complete strangers, compelled to ask questions about Karsen giving me the opportunity to teach, to educate. We've made friends with people we would have otherwise never met. Friends I've made that are dealing with the same exact situation. Karsen has made me so strong; strong for my kids, for my marriage. I have more compassion than I have ever had before, I have more patience (although I could use a lot more), I'm confident in my decisions, I am real, I am me and I know I was given Karsen intentionally. God chose ME to raise him, to protect him, to love him. I was given such a beautiful gift. The gift to see life in a completely different light, the gift of a tiny human so fragile that I've had the privilege to watch grow into a beautifully perfect child.
 
There is so much to celebrate, so much to be thankful for. So here's to you, Karsen buddy. The child that has forever changed me, forever changed my family and has made my heart bigger than I ever thought possible. Love you more each day. Happy fourth birthday buddy! Enjoy your day, your day filled with giggles, tickles, snuggles and ice cream.

Long Overdue

I fell off the of blogger world for a few months. Honestly I kept putting off updating for a while because it seemed like we were getting bad news after bad news with no real answers. I didn't want to post anything about "we aren't sure what's going on" and leaving everyone confused as much as we were. 

The last thing I blogged about was Karsen having to take a break from walking for a while after his fall. We went through some stuff in between then and now. First off was finding a school for Karsen. That was a huge stress for me. I found one school that looked promising. I really liked one of the teachers there and there was a huge outside play area that Karsen loved. We started taking Karsen to the afternoon program. On the first day I made sure to really talk to the two teachers about Karsen's needs and what he has a hard time with, transition specifically. I decided to stay that whole day. The second day I decided to leave just the last 30 minutes of the day. That day in particular the speech therapist was there, basically shadowed him the whole class. I could tell right off the bat they weren't a good mix, she gave him no warnings of transition and when trying to teach Karsen to say a toy with other kids she didn't to give him another toy in place of the one she took away. No warning, no talking about it, she wasn't my cup of tea. When I picked him up, the speech therapist told me how hard of a time he had with transitions (shocker....I told you this lady!) and how it was just a rough day for him, while another teacher told me that he was adjusting just like any other 3 year old would adjust and it's going to take him time but he did really great. (the response I would have expected from the special education teacher, not the head start teacher. This is a combined class by the way.) The third day I had to sign paperwork so I got to sit and watch Karsen while going over a few things with our case worker. At one point I saw Karsen being pulled around in a wagon with another little girl. He looked so happy. I decided that day I would leave the longest. (the class is only 2.5 hours). After over 30 minutes of paper work, I sat with Karsen for a few and snuck away to my car so he wouldn't freak out like normal. NEVER again will I do that. I sat in my car and watch for 10 minutes. What I saw broke my heart. Karsen getting up from the bubble table wondering like he was lost, clearly trying to find me. I then watched him sit down in a sand box near these two boys, those two boys looked at each other made a gross face at each other looked at Karsen again and ran away. I bawled my eyes out. Kids will be kids, but it gave me a glimpse of what Karsen is going to deal with for a very long time. I wish I could give him in a bubble forever but sadly that's not possible. When I gathered myself together and returned later to pick him up I talked to both teachers asking how he did. The head start preschool teacher, whom I loved, just told me how he really was doing great, still taking some time to adjust but it was only day three and she anticipated him doing much better next week even. After, Karsen and I started to walk out to the car while talking to the special education teacher. She told me how Karsen had a hard time with transitions (again.... already told you this, this is why he is there, to work on that), didn't want to sit at circle time and didn't like the other kids screaming in the room (um... not sure why this was aloud anyways). All in all, he really didn't do good and in her words exactly "You really should put him in a special ed preschool. He doesn't belong in an inclusion  class room." This is a SPECIAL EDUCATION teacher telling me this! I'm shocked and appalled that someone would say that to a mom, let alone a special education teacher that knows better. This is also a huge no no as far as legalities go. 

After talking to Karsen's case worker, I told her he would never go back there ( regardless if my child should be there or not, I am NOT sending him somewhere where the teachers don't have the patience to help him with his behavior with transition and sensory issues.). So, we looked at a few other schools. Ultimately landed us at one with a speech therapist that hit it off with Karsen immediately and had very small numbers. 8-10 kids to 3 teachers. That stress and drama is done and over with. We can now put it behind us. I pray that teacher doesn't talk to another parent like that again. He'll start there in the fall.

Karsen started doing these arm jerk things that looked close enough to his old IS seizures, it pushed me to getting him numerous EEG just to be safe. After two EEG's it was found that those arm jerks we not seizures, but in fact could be a side effect of his seizure meds. We haven't been happy with the side effects of them since they were making him loose his appetite which in turn caused him to loose weight. He also seems very drugged and out of it when on it. After much discussion with his neuro, we have decided to start weaning him off of his seizure meds.  If he starts having seizures again (regular seizures, not one every 6 months) then he'll go back on. The side effects are just too harsh on his tiny body. We are two weeks away from being off the meds completely. He's having a little bit of a hard time adjusting, mostly sleep issues, but otherwise he's doing great. 

It officially summer here and while I'd love to say we have lots of fun stuff planned we did most of our fun stuff in April and May. We went out to visit Kuper's family in Oklahoma (road tripped there, took three days to get there) and made so many amazing memories with them. The kids had a blast. We played outside almost the entire visit, this was before the crazy flood storm this hit. We are now in renovation mode, almost done, just in time to get our house listed. That's right, we are selling our house. After being out in Oklahoma, watching Karsen play on my in laws 10 acres of useable property. It was conformation we needed a house better fit for Karsen. He was so free and so happy. It's going to be a challenge to find a house that will fit all of our needs but thankfully we have time to really make sure it's the house we want. We are hoping for no stairs and flat, big fenced in yard. We also are needing a bigger house. Kuper and I have grown picky on houses so this will not be easy. 

For now, that's it. Lot's of big things happening in the Williamson house. Looking forward to our next adventure.

Here's some pictures from our Oklahoma adventures

Grand Canyon with these handsome men

 

 

 This kid loves horses

 

Back at it again

Karsen is back up right walking. He is super cautious when he is doing stairs but over the past two days I can already see improvments. We saw the orthopedic doctor on Tuesday, he believes Karsen over stretched his tendon in his foot. Because of his spascticity it caused more pain and issues in him then it would in a typical kid. In two weeks he should be fully healed. It's good to see him walking around again. 

We toured a afternoon program that Karsen was offered. They would be able to give him two days a week speech as well as one session in class. This school happens to be located just a 3 minute drive to our other speech therapist (my dear friend), so it really will work out perfectly for him. He will continue to go to his private preschool, this afternoon  program is  in addition and insures he will get the services he needs. He also qualifies for the summer program there. If he wasn't in the summer program he would go the whole summer with out any speech therapy, that's just not ok. This summer program is 10-1 and offers speech therapy as well. 

Since, Karsen is back to walking around with out any pain we are back on the wagon of no screen time for a while until he is no longer screaming for it all the  time. This morning didn't go as bad as I expected it to, he didn't freak out as much about not having the TV on but he did, however, scream and hit Karter for no good reason. One time Karter was even helping him. There are moments when I feel he just seems mad and grumpy a good part of the day if he has to deal with anyone around him. 

We are still dealing with a great deal of tantrums, it's a whole new level of tantrums for him. They are more than the typical throw yourself on the ground and scream tantrum. He tried slamming his head or body into things, if I'm holding him he will go stiff as a board but jolt his body over and over again all while screaming. It's very exhausting. I honestly don't get mad at the tantrum, I just don't know how to help him and calm him down. There are moments where I can snap him out of them fairly fast if I have something he is interestedin  enough, other times I'm not so lucky. I met a friend at the park yesterday, it was pretty easy with the exception of Karsen screeching at each kid younger than him trying to walk by him, or use the slide he just use, it was quite ridiculous. I felt bad for the other kids, he was just being so mean and grumpy.

Still praying for guidance and patience. Praying for the wisdom to help Karsen the way he needs to be helped and not help him when he needs to be left to work things out on his own. There's a fine line and it's very hard for me to see at times. 

An unwanted trip down memory lane

Over a week ago, Karsen fell down three concrete stairs. He didn't hit his head, he didn't go unconcience, but I knew right off the bat that something was wrong. He cried the owie cry. He wouldn't even let me lightly touch his foot. So, I took him straight to the ER. After a few X-rays and a lot of time spent in a tiny closed off room, they couldn't find anything. We  were told he might have chipped his growth plate but they just can't see it. We had a follow up scheduled for a few days late with his pediatrician. Over the course of 5 days I was brought straight back to a long year of butt scooting. I felt like we had taken a giant step backwards. At our follow up, our doctor ordered 4 more x-rays. It's hard to figure out where the source of the problem is  when Karsen can't tell us where the pain is on top of having a really high paint tollerance on that side as well. We got the results to those x-rays less than 24hours later. All came back negative, not  any breaks. On one side I'm grateful, no cast. On the flip side, that means we still don't know what is wrong and a break is easy to let heal. Tendons, ligaments, muscles are all complicated when  it comes to Karsen's affected side of his body. We are waiting for the referral paperwork to go through so we can see an orthopedic. My heart breaks for Karsen. Once being able to walk and run all over, now he back to being planted on the ground. I can see it's frustrating him to not be able to walk and keep up with others but I also can see anytime he tries to put weight on it, it hurts. I'm back to doing what I do best, squeaking. I have called three times to get the referral paperwork pushed through sooner. 

In the midst of all this chaos, I've been going through the process of finding a new speech therapist for Karsen. I fired his current one. We just weren't seeing any progress for months. It's time for a change. We toured an afternoon program where he'd get speech therapy twice a week as well as during the class. It's a short 2.5 hour program. We are waiting for our IEP to get the paper work pushed through and start. 

I know some people, myself included, found  it interesting that each person we've seen has never mentioned a communicated device for Karsen, or any other form of communication for him that would be affective and alleviate some of his frustration. With in 5 minutes of talking to the special education teacher at the afternoon program, she immediately asked me if Karsen has ever used one. I'm by no means giving up on Karsen talking and continue to push him  in speech but as time passes I am starting to feel as if we need to find something to fill in the gaps, give  him a voice, show him he too can have a converstation with out waiting years for speech to come. I still haven't decided how I feel about introducing a communicative device, I think it's easy for me to not read too much into it since it's clear we aren't giving up on him talking. There's a part of me, deep down, that feels he may never talk, and that's quite ok. What ever His plan is for my little man is perfect, I just want him to have a way to be present, more than just phyiscally.

At my bible study group I went to yesterday, there was a segment where we had to repeat after the speaker (Beth Moore), saying "I am not in control" along with a series of other statments that all covered the same thing, we don't have control of our lives, we never will. This is one of many constant reminders of that. God has control over this situation. He's got my back, He's got Karsen's. I need to be leaning on Him more. It's so easy to be caught up in the craziness of your life thinking that YOU can figure out how to decompress, destress, unwind, when there's always only one answer. God.

Hoping and praying

When I went to put a title for this post it took me a while. It's hard for me to sum up what's been going on. It seems like whenever things are too mellow something has to throw it off. So, hoping and praying it is. We are now in the throw off point of our journey again. Karsen had an appointment with his pediatrician just to check in on weight and see how he was doing. Super simple easy appointment. Well, in the past two weeks Karsen has lost one pound. I know that may not seem like much but for a 30 pound 3 year old, losing a total of 2.5 pounds in 3ish  months is not good at all. It started when he started taking his seizure meds. I'm 99% sure that's the problem but to be safe we are taking some stool samples and sending them off to see if there is any other issues we don't yet know about. If we can't find anything then we get sent to a new epileptic specialist (thank goodness, I hated our old one) to look into other seizure meds that aren't as common. The reason for this is the other two that are more common that most neurologists, ours in particular, know the side effects for are pretty harsh. We need to find a med that is just right for Karsen which may take a while. The good part is we haven't seen any seizures but the weight loss is not something we can ignore or be ok with. 

On top of dealing with that, Karsen started walking way different than he usually does. He has always walked with a slight limp but not very noticable, at least I think  it isn't that noticeable. On Monday his left foot was turned slightly outward, yesterday it was worse and he also seemed to not want to be on it as much, Stairs, which are pretty effortless for him, seem to be more of a struggle now. Thankfully we  already had an appointment with his ortho and his PT at the same time so I was able to bring it up. We aren't 100% sure what's going on, but if we were to guess it seems like he's hitting a growth spurt which is causing him to have more spasticity than usual. So, we are watching to make sure it doesn't get worse and going to address it if it continues for the next few weeks. It's been a bit of a stressful week so far, with a few more appointments than normal. I'm ready for the weekend, I'm ready to relax a bit and not have to worry about calling any doctors.  That's the nice part about  weekends, doctors offices are not open so I can shut that part of my brain off for a few days. It always seems that's when you need them the most though huh? Right after closing, over the weekend or on a holiday that always seems to land you in the ER for something that is usually fixed by some antibiotic. Anyways, like I said, I'm hoping and praying that we can get on the right track, Karsen will start gaining weight, seizures will stay away, his gait will return to what it was, and he'll start sleeping in past 4am (for the love of God, please sleep until at least 5....mama is getting a bit worn down). 

In the midst of all these challenges I cling tight to God, and know that we are loved and taken care of. I have no doubt He is here with us. He has a plan for my sweet boy, a plan that is bigger than I could ever imagine. 

Three years ago

This year I was really hoping that this particular date, February 14th, would come and go with out me even noticing. No such luck. As the date approaches I catch myself looking back and the past three years. It still stings to remember that day, Do you know what day I'm talking about? I'm talking about one of the worst days, the day we received the news Karsen had cerebral palsy. There are moments when it seems like yesterday and then there are moments where it seems like a life time ago. We have come so far. We've had some amazing moments and many hard pills to swallow. Things I am grateful that we didn't know until the time came. I think that had someone told me that day all of what we would have to endure the next three years it would have been too much. Blissful ignorance the first month of diagnosis, that's what Kuper and I were living. "Just a little PT and he'll catch up. No big deal". Little did we know that he would have to live with a handicap for the rest of his life. I've been told and also have told  others that no two kids with cerebral palsy are the same. I still have to remind myself this. As much as I would love to hear a story about a child with CP that didn't talk until 6 but DID talk eventually, that just may not be in the books for us, and that's ok. I've really been able to come to a place of acceptance, this is the life I will live. Whatever course God puts me on, that's where I'll go. So three years ago today was when I started to believe something wasn't quite right with Karsen, God was preparing me, holding me, for what was about to come. I continue to stay there, being held my God, guided through all of this. I don't know what the future holds for Karsen and that is plain OK with me.

So, while last year, this time of year was a rough time for me, this year is a bit easier. I figure each year I will be less shaken and eventually maybe the date will pass with out me even realizing. (Although I'm not sure if that's possible since it's a widely known holiday.) So while you are eating chocolates from a heart shaped box or smelling your flowers from your loved one, or drinking a bottle of wine to yourself please say a little prayer that each year this day will get easier and easier.

Three years ago, today.

One of those days.... again

I seem to keep having one of those days. You know, the ones where you are counting down the minutes until the kids are in bed. They seems to happen more and more frequent. Today I felt run down, physically and emotionally. I've delt with more tantrums today than I have in the past three days. I got head butted four times, one of which was direct contact to my nose, kicked a handful of times, and hit so many times I can't keep count. I've gotten fairly good at dodging, but not good enough. I hate that I have to be good at dodging. This part of parenting, this part of dealing with a non verbal three year old, is no joke. While the hubby was stuck at work late, and my will to fight started to fade, I texted my bestie. She listened, I vented, I vomited all sorts of horrible words all over our feed. After I had my pitty party, which she always alows me to have, she helped pick me back up. It wasn't all I needed to pull myself togethger, but it was a big step in the right direction. 

Don't get me wrong, being Karsen's mom is a huge blessing,  but I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't change a thing. This isn't my plan, it never was. I had a much different path planned, with much different outcomes. Even though I have questioned God's plan constantly and still do quite often, I know that I am where am I suppose to be. I have met so many amazing people because  of Karsen. I see life through a different light, a way that wouldn't have been possible with out Karsen. This road has gotten me some beautiful places, I've also seen some ugly, and has never been straight and smooth.  While I'd love to sit here and say that I take in each day as a blessing,  I can't. I am human, I am flawed, I have a hard time seeing the beauty in such ugly moments and that is just ok. So, while today left me feeling worn down and exhausted, tomorrow is a new day. 

I'm thankful for the support I have gotten in these frequent rough days and continue to pray for patience and guidance with Karsen (and Karter). 

I told my friend not too long ago, when she was having one of those weeks, that God wants us on our knees because He knows that's when we'll lean on him. Truth people. So here I am, on my knees, been here for three years and have held on for this beautifully ugly ride.

It's Just Hard

Today, in the midst of tears rolling off my oldest sons cheeks, he made me see how grown up he really has become. As he cried over frustration of having to share with Karsen, he told me "It's just so hard being a big brother to  someone who doesn't share or talk." It's true. It is hard. I couldn't even begin to put myself in Karter's shoes. He's five years old but is expected to have the patience of a 10 year old. There are moments I forget that he's just that, a five year old. So, to gain some perspective I sat and talked to Karter for 15 uninterupted minutes. 15 minutes may seem short to some but that's all it took for him  to unload. He had big questions to ask, some of which I didn.t even know how to anwser because they seemed just so deep for a five year old to ask. We talk about his special bond with his brother and while Karsen may not be able to talk to him it doesn't stop them from playing together for hours on end. He asked me why Karsen doesn't share, why doesn't Karsen talk, all things he's asked before. It seemed to sink in a little more this time, that his brother is different, and that it's not a typical brother relationship. Then he asked me why God chose him to be Karsen's big brother, I told him what I thought to be some truth wheather it's His reason or not, he is special, a protector, and God chose him because he knew he'd play with him, love him, and protect him no matter what. Karter has treated Karsen like any other brother has treated their sibling, he's rough sometimes, gentle others, sweet and caring, irritated and annoyed. In some ways their relationship is just like any other brothers, in others their relationship is very unique. Karter is one heck of a big brother. I can't take credit for any of his sweet natured, caring side. God knew he would  need a big hear to deal with such tough times. For the remainder of the 15 minutes I just held him and listened. He told me how it's hard to be the big brother because people make fun of Karsen's drooling. He plays that typical sibling card, it's ok for me to tease my brother but no one else. We all do that right? He told me it's hard to get his friends to include Karsen in playing with him, something I think is hard on him  indivually. Then he said the one thing that explains it all, he told me it's hard being patient. This five year old has been expected to grow faster than  any other five year old around him to have more patience than even Kuper or I have. He's surely stepped up to the challenge but has also crumbbled under pressure, just as I have many times.

Sometimes I need to take a step back and let Karter simply be a five year old brother and let it out a little bit. Lord knows I've let it out plenty. Trusting in God's guidance and strength to help me raise these two kids.

Givng up control

The other day my oldest son, Karter, changed me, helped me see things from his perspective.

Karter was sitting in the back seat trying to get Karsen to look at a toy he was holding, when I heard a big sigh. I asked him what was wrong. Karter told me "Karsen's never going to talk!". Ouch! I've been there kid, I've felt that many times, it comes and goes. Some days I feel so confident he's going to talk, others I feel like he may talk but not be very understandable by others, then some days I feel as if it may never happen. So I responded with "We don't know if Karsen will talk, only God does. You can help him but always talking to him, loving him and you can even pray for him.". He responded with a short "OK" then got quite. For five minutes or so I didn't hear a single peep out of either one of the boys. Then suddenly I hear "Ok, I talked to God and he said he'd help him" Just like that. Sobbed the rest of the way home, full on ugly crying. 

What a blessing it is to be able to raise these kids, to be trusted by God to show them His way, His light. It was in that moment that I let go. I have FINALLY given it to God. I know, silly right?! It's taken me this long to let it go! I've tried so hard to control the direction our lives were going to lead us. I've tried to push things in the direction I thought it should be going. Maybe my way isn't the same way as Gods. Maybe, just maybe, if I give in to His plan I want have those emotional low days about Karsen's speech. I wont know God's purpose for Karsen but I do know that he has changed me in ways I would have never done with out him. He's changed my family, he's changed my out look on life. He's changed my priorities and he's helped me cling to God. For such a little kid, man is he capable of a lot. Changing lives in ways I would have never thought possible. Especially my own. Talking or not, he's perfect. This was not a a mistake. This path was the path intended for him, for me, for our family. Time to stop taking the wheel. Time to let God have it all.

Couldn't leave you with out a sweet pic of Karsen. What better than 8 month old Karsen?!?! EEEEK! Man was he cute!