It's Just Hard

Today, in the midst of tears rolling off my oldest sons cheeks, he made me see how grown up he really has become. As he cried over frustration of having to share with Karsen, he told me "It's just so hard being a big brother to  someone who doesn't share or talk." It's true. It is hard. I couldn't even begin to put myself in Karter's shoes. He's five years old but is expected to have the patience of a 10 year old. There are moments I forget that he's just that, a five year old. So, to gain some perspective I sat and talked to Karter for 15 uninterupted minutes. 15 minutes may seem short to some but that's all it took for him  to unload. He had big questions to ask, some of which I didn.t even know how to anwser because they seemed just so deep for a five year old to ask. We talk about his special bond with his brother and while Karsen may not be able to talk to him it doesn't stop them from playing together for hours on end. He asked me why Karsen doesn't share, why doesn't Karsen talk, all things he's asked before. It seemed to sink in a little more this time, that his brother is different, and that it's not a typical brother relationship. Then he asked me why God chose him to be Karsen's big brother, I told him what I thought to be some truth wheather it's His reason or not, he is special, a protector, and God chose him because he knew he'd play with him, love him, and protect him no matter what. Karter has treated Karsen like any other brother has treated their sibling, he's rough sometimes, gentle others, sweet and caring, irritated and annoyed. In some ways their relationship is just like any other brothers, in others their relationship is very unique. Karter is one heck of a big brother. I can't take credit for any of his sweet natured, caring side. God knew he would  need a big hear to deal with such tough times. For the remainder of the 15 minutes I just held him and listened. He told me how it's hard to be the big brother because people make fun of Karsen's drooling. He plays that typical sibling card, it's ok for me to tease my brother but no one else. We all do that right? He told me it's hard to get his friends to include Karsen in playing with him, something I think is hard on him  indivually. Then he said the one thing that explains it all, he told me it's hard being patient. This five year old has been expected to grow faster than  any other five year old around him to have more patience than even Kuper or I have. He's surely stepped up to the challenge but has also crumbbled under pressure, just as I have many times.

Sometimes I need to take a step back and let Karter simply be a five year old brother and let it out a little bit. Lord knows I've let it out plenty. Trusting in God's guidance and strength to help me raise these two kids.

Givng up control

The other day my oldest son, Karter, changed me, helped me see things from his perspective.

Karter was sitting in the back seat trying to get Karsen to look at a toy he was holding, when I heard a big sigh. I asked him what was wrong. Karter told me "Karsen's never going to talk!". Ouch! I've been there kid, I've felt that many times, it comes and goes. Some days I feel so confident he's going to talk, others I feel like he may talk but not be very understandable by others, then some days I feel as if it may never happen. So I responded with "We don't know if Karsen will talk, only God does. You can help him but always talking to him, loving him and you can even pray for him.". He responded with a short "OK" then got quite. For five minutes or so I didn't hear a single peep out of either one of the boys. Then suddenly I hear "Ok, I talked to God and he said he'd help him" Just like that. Sobbed the rest of the way home, full on ugly crying. 

What a blessing it is to be able to raise these kids, to be trusted by God to show them His way, His light. It was in that moment that I let go. I have FINALLY given it to God. I know, silly right?! It's taken me this long to let it go! I've tried so hard to control the direction our lives were going to lead us. I've tried to push things in the direction I thought it should be going. Maybe my way isn't the same way as Gods. Maybe, just maybe, if I give in to His plan I want have those emotional low days about Karsen's speech. I wont know God's purpose for Karsen but I do know that he has changed me in ways I would have never done with out him. He's changed my family, he's changed my out look on life. He's changed my priorities and he's helped me cling to God. For such a little kid, man is he capable of a lot. Changing lives in ways I would have never thought possible. Especially my own. Talking or not, he's perfect. This was not a a mistake. This path was the path intended for him, for me, for our family. Time to stop taking the wheel. Time to let God have it all.

Couldn't leave you with out a sweet pic of Karsen. What better than 8 month old Karsen?!?! EEEEK! Man was he cute! 

Surviving

We have survived 2+ weeks of NO SCREEN TIME! 2 weeks people! It's actually been pretty easy now, both our kids seem to realize that it's not going on as part of our daily routine, at some point it will come back in as a once a week treat, family movie night or something, and I'm quite happy with that. They even made the trip to Stanford without any screen time at all! 8 hours in the car and not once did they really complain. We packed lots of color books, reading books and toys. Karter seemed to be the only one, besides me, that kept asking "How many more minutes until we are there?" We've entered the "Are we there yet?" phase. Neuro appointment went well, besides the drowsiness, Karsen is handling the seizure meds quite well, no need to increase or change it up. Our neuro is also referring us to a neuro muscular specialist. We are going to explore possible botox for Karsen's left hand. I'm excited to see what they have to say. It will take a few months for insurance to approve and then a few months to get in, but there is really no rush. Karsen's eye appointment also went really well, we are meeting back in 6 months to see if Karsen's right eye is the same as it is now, if so, then we will discuss surgery which might make it so Karsen will never have to wear glasses again! I was really excited to hear that but also a little sad. He just looks so handsome in his cute little miraflex glasses. ;-)

I've been feeling a bit heart broken lately. Karsen has been known as the hitter by his classmates. I've had it mentioned to me a handful of times by other parents. Now let me be clear, not a single one of them were trying to be mean or protective of their child, it more so came out of playful conversation, small talk. So I was never offended or hurt by the comments of other parents. What hurt was having a little boy in Karsen's class ask me "Is he in a good mood today?" When I responded with "I think so." he then replied "So he wont hit me today then?" Ouch.... that stung. My heart broke for Karsen. He of course, has no clue that these kids know him for hitting, and his teachers do an amazing job of explaining to each kid that Karsen doesn't have words to tell them no, but I just don't want this for him. He doesn't always understand body language by other kids, he seems to think everyone is out to get him, everyone wants the toy that he's playing with. He also has personal boundary issues. I feel lost, I no longer know how to help him. I've tried every behavior technique known to get Karsen to stop hitting, it doesn't matter. Poor Karter gets hit about 10-20 times a day on a good day, I'm so thankful Karter doesn't hit him back. I've had many talks with Karter to make sure he understands that Karsen doesn't know how to act appropriately yet. Yet?! Will there ever be a yet? I'm exhausted. I had visions of my boys growing up close, especially since they are 22 months apart, becoming the best of friends. It's just not there. I spend the majority of my day breaking up fights, explaining to Karsen why we don't hit and especially not with a toy golf club. It doesn't matter how nice or mean I talk to him, it doesn't seem to soak in. I pray this is just a phase, in time it will go away all together. I'm just not sure if I can see that happening with in the next few years. When I think about dealing with his behavior issues for the next couple of years it makes me want to curl up and hide. God is the single one person pulling me through  this, helping me trudge through these waters, guiding me while I slip and fall unsure of what way to go. I will never know where my life will lead, what's next in my life, what challenge I will have to face, we will never know that. But I find comfort in knowing He is there, every step and will never leave my side. His plan is always better than mine, and even though right now I'd like to say "It'd be a lot easier if you could just tell me why, where, when" His plan has purpose, while mine? I think mine would just be to survive. His is to thrive.