MRI Results

Our doctor called us the very next day to go over the MRI results. It was no shock, for once, when she told me it was confirmed Karsen had left hemiplegic cerebral palsy. He had suffered a stroke in-utero. I had no clue infants, let alone an unborn baby, could have a stroke. My poor baby. The cause of his stroke was a blood clot. The next step is to do blood work to find out if he had the blood clot or if it was the placenta. I hate that they have to draw blood. I'm dreading that appointment. I pray that Karsen doesn't need to be put on blood thinners. The good to come out of this? Now I can get him into more physical therapy since he has an official diagnosis. So, time to be  a squeaky wheel and get things done for my little man.

Karsen's MRI

The day of Karsen's MRI went how everything else in this process has gone, rough! Three days before his appointment I get a phone call confirming and also telling me the guidelines to follow for the procedure. Since Karsen had to be put under for the MRI he couldn't have any solid foods after he goes to bed the night before (ok no big deal), and no breast milk 3 hours before the appointment (What?!). Keep in mind the appointment time that we were suppose to be there wasn't the time of his MRI, it was the time to get the ball rolling. Thankfully this time, Kuper was able to go with me. My sister watched Karter since he wasn't allowed to be present, so my mind was at ease knowing he was in good hands. One less thing to worry about. So, off we went again on our three hour drive. Karsen slept most of the way, and was doing ok until we were waiting to be taken back into our room. He was melting down! He was so hungry! Kuper had to hold him because he was getting more and more mad that I was holding him (when he knew I had what he needed) and I wouldn't feed him. It was rough not being able to comfort my baby. Finally, they took us back and got Karsen his little hospital gown to wear. The poor guy had to wear pink... although, I'm not going to lie, he would make a cute baby girl too. I even told Kuper "so this is what our baby would look like if we were to ever have a girl" They let Kuper and I both be in the room when they put him under. They warned us that his body would jerk once he was under but nothing prepared me for the way I felt in those minutes. I held his hand and patted him tummy as he fought falling asleep. I completely broke down once they said he was good. Seeing your baby so lifeless and hooked up to everything is just scary. I cried in Kuper's arms and I told him I should be the one this is happening to not him. He then reminded me if this had happened to me I wouldn't be able to take care of our boys. So true. My husband, my rock, my best friend, always knows what to say to me and when to say it. I don't know what I would do with out him.
As we waited outside in the beautiful outdoor seating the hospital had, I attempted to distract myself by reading the hunger games. It didn't work. I cried some more. Time passed and we started to worry even more. He should have been out in an hour, it had been over two. A million things were running through my mind; did they find something bad, did Karsen have to be intubated, what happened? We talked to a nurse that went to check and see where he was at. She came back with in minutes saying he would be out soon, and warned us that babies at his age can get really disoriented and may not seem themselves for a while. I was so glad she gave us that warning, but it still didn't prepare me enough. When we were finally able to go see Karsen in recovery, I wanted to sprint in. Of course I didn't. When I got there I saw my little man bundled up with cords coming out everywhere. He was cranky and very out of it. When I tried to feed him he was so disoriented he didn't even know how to latch on. I, once again, started crying..... surprise surprise... I was a mess. The staff at the hospital was great. We had two nurses by his side pretty much the whole time. He was the youngest child in the recovery room. Finally, after a few hours and some tylenol (they had to suction his throat when he was under) he was able to eat and get a little bit back to normal. We were free to go home! So thankful that day is over and we wont have to do that again. Got home at midnight, tucked my two little men into bed and crawled into bed myself and was able to actually sleep. Thanked God for keeping my baby safe and thank God for my boys.

One of the worst days

It was valentines day, and for those of you that know me, I hate that holiday and this day didn't make it any better. Karsen had his first appointment with a pediatric neurologist and it was a 3 hour drive. I could barely sleep the night before and to make matters worse Kuper was up all night with the flu. There was no way he was going to be able to make the drive down with us. So, I called my mom and she was able to get off work early to head down with me. Before I left I drove to the little market just a few miles from our house to get Kuper some ginger ale. Since it was a short drive, I took our old, hunk of junk, blazer. Manual locks, windows, 5 speed, old turd. I pulled into the parking lot, set the E brake, locked the door and started to walk to the store when the car started rolling into the street! The E brake had failed and now it was slowly rolling back. I frantically tried to get the door open but it was locked, right then the car rolled over my foot. That's right, rolled solidly over my foot. Who manages to get their foot run over by their own car with no one driving it? This girl right here. The store worker came running out to help me stop the car, thank God! we were able to stop the car. I went in the store bought some ginger ale and and drove home crying the whole way. A million things were running through my head; I didn't have insurance, I didn't have time to deal with the ER today (we had been waiting for this appointment what seemed like forever), and I was suppose to run a half marathon in 6 weeks. I just cried and prayed the whole way home. 

I rushed into our bedroom, told Kuper what happened while hysterically crying. Realizing I was able to walk back to our room and roll my foot around, it was safe to say my foot wasn't broken. in fact it wasn't even bruised! So, I pulled myself together, packed the boys up, and left to pick up my mom.

Thank God (literally) for my mom! a 6 hour drive with a toddler and a 6 month old by myself would have been a little stressful. We got to the appointment just in time. My mom stayed out with Karter while I braved the appointment alone, but with Karsen of course. The doctor asked me what seemed like a million questions, most asking about Karsen's birth and if there was any complications.  She spent over an hour with me. I was really grateful, I had a lot of questions. It seemed as if she was dancing around what I already knew, so I asked her flat out "is this hemiplegic cerebral palsy?" The period of time from googling to this appointment I thought I had prepared myself mentally and emotionally. But when I heard her say yes, I still felt like I was going to loose it. She ordered an MRI to confirm, and talked to me about what to watch out for seizures and a few other things. I walked out to my car with Karsen in my arms and my mom and Karter trailing behind me. My mom knew to not ask anything. Instead, she did what all great mothers know to do, she held me while I cried. I guess I was holding on to the hope that the doctor would tell me I was just being a nervous mom and he was fine. I think every mom, who finds out something is wrong with their baby, clings onto the hope that they are overreacting. It was hard to hear that my baby had cerebral palsy. 

Off we drove home, dealing with rush hour traffic, took us longer to get home then expected. I was able to try to rest a little bit and try to shut off my mind. I got home, tucked the boys into bed, went to lay down and then it hit me... my sweet sweet husband shared his germs. I was up all night throwing up. As if the stress weren't enough. Through all of this, this whole day, I found so many things to be grateful for. My foot wasn't broken, I have an amazing mother, Karsen was alive and happy, and I didn't get sick until all of the day was over. I mean how bad would it have been if I got sick on the way there, or at the appointment, or on the way home! There is always good in every bad day, it's just hard to look at it sometimes. That day it was especially hard to look at the good but it was there.

                            My amazing mom and my oldest Karter